Ramblings... some straight, some not so...

the other day i decided to put 'committed' as my status on orkut... no particular reason, just put it on... and guess what, people actually EMAILED me to ask what was going on... who was the 'unlucky' female etc...

two observations: -

a) people expect me to be in ZERO demand as far as relationships are concerned. if i say im committed, the first question most people ask is "how did that happen?" so im not the prettiest picture in the world by a long shot (though some consider elephants to be the most beautiful animal after lions/tigers esp while on african safaris)... but is the situation so hopeless in the public eye for me that i can only get some dehati 'ROUND MOUND OF REBOUND' and no one else on my own?

b) (and this is the good part...) no one assumed i was committed to a guy... atleast they got something right...

* * * * *

homosexuality is something thats being discussed on TV, on the streets, everywhere, despite the archaic laws of our land that outlaw it... people are now less afraid than before to declare their sexual orientation... but the questions remains, are we ready to accept the truth of homosexuality? are we ready to allow it to exist as a 'normal' form of sexuality in our society? will we stop giggling and making jokes about someone who declares that he/she is a homosexual? will our parents or grandparents accept that their child is gay? or that he/she even knows someone who is gay? will it ever be considered a natural form of sexuality and not be construed as an unnatural, criminal act of sodomy?

perhaps the answer to all these questions is no... or maybe... but the fact remains, we need to open our eyes to this truth and accept it... elton john or george michael or vikram seth or lisa leslie (WNBA player) are no less talented n successful than their straight counterparts...

and as to the myth that its unnatural... well i was out on my walk last weekend at around 1130pm and i saw two male dogs trying to climb over and sodomise each other... unnatural, did we say?

Time to Close the Window...

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair...

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?

- Thomas Stearns Eliot, 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock'

Jab rula lete hain jee bhar ke humein
Jab sataa lete hain jee bhar ke humein
Tab kahin khush woh zaraa hote hain...
Aur kya ehad-e-wafa hote hain
Log milte hain juda hote hain...

- from the 1980s Hindi movie 'Sunny'

'Life is pain' is one of the chief existentialist mottos. Physical pain, emotional pain... the list of types of pains can be endless, upto and including the figurative 'pain in the ass', which is how we refer to most people around us. These various kinds of pain never desert us, and yet the optimists among us will continue their quest for 'eternal happiness'. face facts people, life IS pain... the turmoil that confronts us is the only comfort zone one can find in life. accepting that shit will happen is a real POSITIVE outlook to life. coz just when u think things are beginning to go right, KABOOM! and here we go again...

* * * * *

the relationships i have forged in my life keep nose-diving and correcting their paths often enough, much like an Indian Air Force air-show or something... but this time i sense that its the end of the road for atleast one of them.

she and I met 4 months ago, grew closer n closer to each other, first as friends, then as two people who shared affection but knew that there could be nothing more to us... i guess our relationship was like matter collapsing in a black-hole. now it has imploded. peripeteia has happened, and now its time for the anagnorisis of this particular ragnarok...

life, again, has turned out to be pain... winter has set in... i feel its time to close the window through which grew this small creeper...

just the other day someone who read this blog pointed out that there were a surprisingly few number of posts on it... arre bhai when i started bloggin only in september, how do u expect me to write a blog equivalent of the ramayana so soon?

anyway it has been a long time, almost a month, since i blogged. for those in the know, the reason might be easy to figure out. for those not in the know, go figure...

tuesday afternoon 1407 hrs... im sitting n listening to an MP3 CD of gulzar-saab's songs... currently playing :

Naam gum jayega
Chehra ye badal jayega
Meri aawaaz hi pehchaan hai
Gar yaad rahe...

(The name will disappear
The face will have changed
My voice is the only recognisable aspect
If u can remember it...)

i asked my sister richa (who lives in the USA) to go thru my blog one day. she asked me, 'is it any funny stuff or something broody n melancholic?'

i couldnt answer immediately, then replied, 'well technically speaking it is melancholic to a degree...'

she asked me why... why couldnt i write any funny stuff?

im still waiting for the answer... trying to analyse what goes into my writings... i have often been told that i possess a good sense of humour... if that be true then why is it ever-absent in whatever i write? is it, like most other things in my life, a mask i put on? maybe not...

i go to college, crack funny comments, entertain the class; go hang out with friends, am supposed to be (along with dantu) the funny one; come online, am expected to be sarcastic, cynical and crack a few jokes along the way whether on messengers or on the DU MA community...

thats the reply i gave to my sister... dont u think everyone gets too much of humour out of me all the time? where is it that my non-humourous side finds an outlet...

in my writings, and now in this blog...

Crossroad...

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them.

- William Shakespeare, 'Hamlet', Act III Scene I

sometimes one stands at the crossroads. when every road that stretches out in front of the eyes to the horizon seems strewn with nails, waiting to bite into the bare feet. and yet one has to make a choice... a choice that can change lives, not just one's own...

i find myself at one such crossroad today... did my poetry pre-empt such a confusion? prufrock's procrastination, that stems out of hamlet's hallucinatory habits?

what i wanted to happen has happened... ive made the choice, albeit a very selfish one. and yet there exists the confusion, the crossroad beckons me again...

will someone please put my hamlet/prufrockian instincts to rest?